filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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