it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
