take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
