The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
high people should be assigned attendants
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
