I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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