There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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