Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
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