my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
