My balls are so social today.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Randomize
