shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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