Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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