guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
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