i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
