she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
