I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Randomize
