I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
