After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
