I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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