I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity�
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Randomize
