My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Randomize
