Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize
