your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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