I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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