how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
