We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
