she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
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