I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
No subtext here. People are naked.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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