why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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