duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
