I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
