she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
