There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
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