Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
