wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Randomize
