hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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