I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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