If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
