I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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