Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
