I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
