I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
