I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
