I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
