So drunk its hurt
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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