I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
