If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
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