I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
