Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
