I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
