i just wanna soil my oats bro
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
